Author Q&A: January 2020

This month's question came from Carien in South Africa!

Q: "My 2 year old seems to be always whining about everything, and gives a sheer squeak scream when not getting his way. Things at home have been tense between me and my husband with anger and we have relocated recently. Could this all be a form of wanting more attention and our problems affecting him?"

A: Thanks for your question Carien. I was so excited to see a question come from South Africa!

I love your question because it touches on a couple of topics that so many parents struggle with. This first is the Terrible Two's and the second is how change impacts our children.

You asked if the relocation and the struggle in your marriage could be causing your child to have more tantrum-like behaviors. The simple answer is yes. The more complex answer is kind of.

As most things in parenting go, everything is intertwined. The change in location and the struggle in your marriage is definitely going to impact your child. That's the "yes" part. But your child's current developmental stage (i.e. the Terrible Two's) is also going to play into how he is managing his own emotions. That's the "kind-of" part.

The Impact of Stress on Children

Let's talk about how stress and tension in the home can cause your child to display unwanted behaviors. We can think of kids as barometers. They measure the tension of a room quite well. In my new book, The Art of Parenting, I discuss the natural anxiety that all children have. Anxiety is a normal emotion, and it's highly functional. Without anxiety, we wouldn't flee from dangerous situations, prepare for upcoming tasks, and so on. It's an important emotion for survival.

In young children, anxiety is frequently present and displays itself with crying and tantruming. If we think about it, for babies, crying is the only way they can communicate to us their fear and discomfort. Toddlers are not too different in this. Though toddlers have managed some language by the age of 2, their vocabulary is small and their ability to identify their own emotions and communicate those effectively is non-existent. As such, toddlers tend to revert to their baby-like ways by crying, throwing tantrums, and even displaying aggression.

One of the best ways to help reduce and eliminate this behavior is by utilizing routine and structure in your home environment, and consistency in your parenting. Making sure you have these things in place will help reduce the chances of your child acting out. But why is this so effective?

All people thrive with routine. Knowing what is going to happen and how it's going to happen gives a person a sense of control over their environment and life. When we lack routine, we tend to feel stressed, overwhelmed, irritable, anxious, and even depressed.

You mentioned that you and your spouse are experiencing marital tension right now due to your recent move. That's a perfect example of how a change in routine can upset the balance of your emotional life. The same goes for your child. His life has just turned upside down, and due to his young age, he's struggling to understand the "why" of it all. This translates into feelings of uncertainty (i.e. "Why is this happening? Why is everything changing? What's going to change next?!?"), and that uncertainty translates into anxiety.

If you've read my post on Managing Anger in Kids, you'll have learned how Anger is a secondary emotion. In order to have anger, you must first experience a primary emotion. One of those primary emotions is Fear (which is a form of anxiety). Anger is far more powerful and feels less vulnerable than fear. As such, children tend to shift to anger during times of stress. This causes those tantrum-like behaviors you've been witnessing.

Consistency is part of routine. You can't have a daily routine if you aren't consistent about it. The same goes for structure. You can't have a structured daily life if you don't have a daily routine that you maintain fairly consistently. Essentially, all 3 of these words are tapping into the same concept: familiarity.

Using Familiarity & Love to Re-establish the Balance

Hopefully, this has helped you to understand why your kiddo is struggling. Now, I want to help you identify some simple things you can do to help him find balance again. Given what we have already learned, these might seem a bit obvious:

1. Re-establish your routine

2. Provide Warnings for Upcoming Changes

3. Stay Consistent

4. Increase Quality Time

Let's take a look at the first one. Re-establishing your child's routine is the simplest thing you can do to help your son reduce his anxiety (and those behaviors you mentioned). Before moving, was there a daily routine for him? Did he have a specific wake-up time and/or bed time? Did he have meals around the same time every day? Did he nap around the same time every day? Did you take regular walks together or take him to a local park on a regular basis?